My mind whirled so much today it’s a wonder my head didn’t spin Linda Blair Exorcist-style.
I had a far more positive and interesting post planned but have been quite intrigued by the way my little mind has worked throughout the day (in this – for me – (slightly) tumultuous time).
On one level I’m fairly reconciled to the redundancy offer I mentioned in my last post. I’ve basically worked out what my package will be. But… for some reason I’m expecting there to be a problem with the paperwork. I know this doesn’t make sense. But, I’ve steeled myself to have to defend my number of years of service or have SOME problem with the calculations. (Oh Ye of little faith… and all that! Yes, I have serious trust issues – I’m surprised you don’t know that by now!)
I got myself into such a state today that I couldn’t settle. I’ve had two months of my life ‘up in the air’ and I assumed getting the news Friday would be an end to it all. Sadly that hasn’t been the case. I really can’t say definitively that I will accept the ‘offer’ (yes, I’m making it sound like a good thing!) either way. I need to see the figures and make sure I can make them work.
As I’ve said – I’m quite excited about what might come next… but I want to just start focusing already! God!
As a result of this tension my day’s been a bit of a roller-coaster and amazingly (though perhaps not surprisingly) I’ve shared most of it via Twitter.
I knew the best thing for me to do would be to go to the gym to my usual fave Zumba class and dance my cares away. But – quite frankly – all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and pull the doona over my inert (and possibly ballooning) body. I knew that bingeing on unhealthy food would be exciting in the moments leading up to the binge and during, but meaningless after. I knew I’d end up overly full and incapable of nothing but taking to my bed or the bathtub, wallowing in guilt.
As you can see, I reached out (sort of) via Twitter, possibly wanting someone to tell me, “No, don’t do it!” Because as I’m only 44 years old, I’m incapable of calling upon my own inner strength to make it out of the hole. (Grrr…..)
But, I did it. Mostly.
At some point I calmed myself. I sat with my Chinese food in front of taped TV until I felt better. I left a message for someone at my old workplace (telling them to bloody get me my paperwork – though nicely!) and realised that one extra day away from the gym would not a catastrophe make.
Of course if the paperwork doesn’t arrive tomorrow my positivity may evaporate completely, but until then I’ll remind myself that it’s out of my control.
Are your moods as prone to fluctuation as mine? (ie. am I normal?)
In my experience, they do sometimes get the numbers wrong. You checking them now, will give you more of a feeling of control- & that’s the important thing. That & routine- after allowing yourself a small grace period of nothingness & confusion, that is. The chinese takeaway today sounded like the perfect compromise.
Jo, I’m just worried I’ll go ‘off the rails’ during this time when so much is changing (and needs to change). I reined myself in today which was good as I’d already gone and bought that chocolate in my mind.
And I will definitely check the figures. I’ve already worked it out on a calculator on a website… just need to see it in writing officially!
Deb – you are doing the best you can in a time of high stress. Not going to your binge foods – even just thinking about the logistics of bingeing – that is all moving in the right direction. You’ll survive – and thrive – through this! xoxoxox
Yes, times of change and uncertainty are not conducive to even-keeled moods!!
Add in hormonal fluctuations…
BTW!! I’ve been reading a book called Brain Over Binge (http://www.brainoverbinge.com) and it’s quite the fascinating read…a few online friends have read it and are saying that their bingeing days are over!
Wow… am going to check the site out now!
I think I’ve recommended “Brain Over Binge” as well. It’s a great book and available on Kindle 🙂
Had a look at the website. Probably should order it!
My moods fluctuate massively too – it is “normal”.
Phew… good to hear Dannii!
[…] recall relatively recently uploading a blog post that was almost entirely tweets. It pretty much typified the day I’d had and reflected how much my mood had yo-yoed over a […]