The why

Last week I confessed to some recent bingeing behaviour.

I’ve since reined it in and not really binged since then. (Writing about it / admitting to it obviously helped!)

I mentioned that although I’ve tried practising self-acceptance (the kind where you decide you’re okay, even though you’re still a work in progress) I’ve felt somewhat desperate to drop a lot of weight. Quickly.

In the past, my motivation for losing weight has predominantly been about others and their perceptions: I can’t wear the clothes I want (to be seen as the person I want to be). I’m tired of being single and unattractive. I’m tired of being judged. And so forth.

I’m part of a private Facebook forum and there was a discussion about this very issue recently. Someone wondered if we were unsuccessfully comparing ourselves to others or caving to society’s expectations and feeling like we ‘should’ lose weight.

I thought about this and realised – for a change – it wasn’t the case.

“Nope,” I said. “It’s all about me.”

And it is.

I haven’t talked much about this and am hugely embarrassed that I’ve become one of those people I’ve longed judged.

In the yoga classes I’ve been attending, I’ve struggled with certain things because my stomach gets in the way. I can’t sit back in child’s pose. I can’t bend forward without widening my legs to make way for my stomach. I can’t do exercises I once found easy.

In Zumba I’m now very conscious of my body weight and movement. My fitness is slowly increasing but I really feel strain on my ankles and shins when I do high-impact moves. Bouncing on one foot alone (for more than a few beats) is just too hard.

And on top of this… I’m getting shin splints and a sore hip/back when I walk any real distance.

I know I should be more worried about my health and fitness, but… my current (somewhat desperate) need to lose weight is coming from a place of comfort and logistics.

Which of course is why I’m struggling with my not-dieting commitment and contemplating diet / protein shakes and the like.

I’m reminded that when I was around this weight a couple of years ago and started exercising as part of the weight loss program I was on (12WBT) I actually stuck to an exercise bike for most of the 12 week program. After a month or so I went to weekly boxing classes; but, it wasn’t until I’d lost most of the 19kg that I ventured into a gym. My 20 minute interval training stints on the bike and ‘diet’ meant that I started exercising more energetically at a significantly lower weight and increased fitness. Of course, those who read this blog or followed me on Twitter may remember how much I hated that bloody exercise bike by the end of the 12 weeks.

So, while I am still committed to not-dieting – knowing that the process of restricting foods/calories sends me into a binge eating tailspin – I can’t quite work out HOW I drop weight (which I need to do to function in the way I want).

Any suggestions?

PS. This is also why I’ve entered The Golden Door Biggest Loser Ambassador competition. Feel free to go and vote for me here (or on the pic below!) In case you don’t recognise me (there are a couple of Deborahs) I’m using my styling before and after pic.

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  1. I agree- for me it’s not society or the media, it’s me. It’s not being able to do simple things. I mean, I could touch the floor with my hands flat when I was 9 months pregnant, but these days curse if I drop anything. I think sometimes we rush to blame the media or society (don’t get me wrong, it absolutely does play a part), but if you’re uncomfortable, you don’t need anyone else to tell you so- you know it. Besides, I can’t talk- my lightbulb moment was realising that if I died there’d be no photos of me looking anything other than uncomfortable.

    • So true. I’ve been struck by the ‘need’ before, but probably retreated and stopped doing those things which were challenging. I’d like to keep up my exercise, so conscious that I find some aspects so uncomfortable.

  2. I’m glad it’s all about you. As you know, I don’t have any experience with this type of thing so I don’t have any good advice for you. But I want you to know, whatever you choose, I’m on TEAM SCHMIET! I’ll support you through whatever you choose.

  3. Hello lovely, I thought of one thing. Why don’t you – for a trial period – not blog about it. It puts a lot of focus onto the issue if you are continually blogging about it. Maybe write about other things for a while and just see how you go. We will all still be here, promise.

    • Lou Lou – one of my challenges is that this diet blog overtook my mainstream one a couple of years ago… I can’t quite work out how to combine the two but I completely agree… I’m tired of the constant focus on my food, diet, exercise, my weight and my body.


  4. Ohhh I’ll go vote for you now. I’m the same it has always been about me. And I’m glad it’s about you. Liz has a post up about a friend of hers who dropped and kept off 50kgs. She is really into the mental/ psychological aspects of dropping weight. I think that is the hardest part as obviously we all get eat less, train more. Whatever path you choose to take we’re here to listen and cheer! I went through the anorexia- to binging and while you’re in it it is hard to see how you’ll ever get out. I eventually got there. So if I can you most definitely can.

    • THanks Jess – people who have come out of the other side give me hope. It’s taken up so much of my life – about 30yrs now…

  5. Take it from me Deb, when it’s all about you nothing will stop u from reaching your ultimate goal. You r in an excellent place to achieve your weight loss goals. Anyone who can write as beautifully as you, have the ability to zero in on the issues week after week, and strike a chord with so many of us, certainly can take off enough weight to be comfortable in their own skin. I’m rooting for you.

  6. I know you know this but I am going to say it anyway: self-acceptance is not a means to an end AND it goes hand-in-hand with weight loss. Self-acceptance and weight loss are not mutually exclusive. AND I will vote for you as long as you promise to remind yourself of this: “even though I want to lose weight, I love and accept myself right now” 🙂

    • I think I am getting there Karen. The thing I grapple the most with is the not-dieting mentality and need to lose weight at the same time. I do think I’m feeling less ‘disgust’ or ‘disappointment’ towards myself than I once did.

  7. Hi Deb,
    What about as “this is a permanent lifestyle change” mentality. In order to lose my 35kg and keep it off. I had to learn to create a natural deficit by subbing a lot of the stuff I was eating with lean protein, vegetables and fruit. And I decided that it was tough titties that I didn’t like any of this stuff – the pain of being overweight for me, overrode the desire to act like a 2 year old everytime I saw something green 🙂 Now I know you are not a fan of vegetables and fruit, but I am encouraging you to stand up and give it a go. What’s the consequence of eating stuff you’re not in love with – an acceptance that food is fuel and that’s what’s on the menu – period.

    I know I probably sound a bit mean and ferocious but this my direct experience (and Sally’s too ) – I had to slap myself around a bit to get going – and the good news is that I like most veggies and fruits now – who knew?


  8. Deb, tried to vote but the link didn’t work?!?! Couldn’t work out another way to do it. Tiff (sitting through my second game if basketball today!!)

    • I’ll have a look at the Facebook page Tiff, as I did see something about mobile devices. Thanks for trying anyway!

  9. I don’t know what advice to offer, except do stick to your exercise. It’s very important even though it might not be enough to make you lose weight. What I’m doing myself at the moment is concentrating on really enjoying my meals rather than “eating to lose weight”. Time will show whether that change will lead to weight loss or not..

    And too bad you find yourself single and unattractive. I didn’t see anything unattractive in the pictures on your styling post. And I loved your hair cut!

    • Thanks Satu. I’m actually trying to pluck up the courage to ask an Oz not-dieting guru if I can interview him for my blog and actually ask the ‘how to lose weight if not dieting’ question.


  10. […] I’ve also commented recently that I’m feeling the ‘need’ (indeed, more of a desperate need) to lose weight. It isn’t about vanity – for a change. And I don’t think it’s really about […]

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